


To Die of a Broken Heart

by AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Kirk, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break down, Jealous Kirk, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Break Up, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, break-up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 09:34:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11734320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted/pseuds/AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted
Summary: Jim and Spock have broken up and are unable to function.





	To Die of a Broken Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Suicide Attempt and referenced Self Harm

“God, I can't believe you broke up.”

“Keptin, I am wery sorry you and ze Commander broke up.”

“Fuck Jim, I’m sorry, I know how you felt about him.”

“About time you and the hobgoblin broke up.”

“Spock- you love him! You've loved him for years.”

“Son, do you truly believe it logical to part ways with Captain Kirk? Whom you share a T’hy’la bond with?”

 

Jim sat in Ten-Forward, the bartender firmly refused to get him another drink, “Captain, you've had enough.” she insisted, her chocolate skin reflecting the light, her brightly colored dress handing to her feet and her braided hair falling out from the hat she wore. Jim groaned, “I'm going to call Doctor McCoy.” she said.

“Jim, you crazy sonuvabitch.” Leonard grumbled as he stuck him with a hypospray and dragged the captain to his quarter. “You can't keep doing this, drinking yourself to death just because the hobgoblin left ya.”

“He dint leave me,” Jim slurred, “Ah left 'im. On ma own goddammned mitherfucking vowellishun.” Jim slumped into McCoy's chest, tears darkening the blue uniform.

“Sure thing, kiddo.” Leonard rubbed the younger man’s back, sighing.

Jim fell asleep and Leonard laid him down before leaving for his own quarters. The young captain was heartbroken, that much was clear.

Once sober Jim stumbled into the good doctor's office. With a hangover cure he sank into an armchair, I wish I was dead, Bones. I wish that I could die, that I could lay down to sleep, but though I’d seem to sleep, my spirit would indeed depart from my body.” he sighed, “It would be so terribly romantic Bones- so thoroughly Tolkien, so I could be the elf for once.”

Leonard sighed, “Jim, listen- I know it's hard right now- when Jocelyn and I- parted ways I was devastated. I didn't know what to do, I know it hurts, I also know you'll get through it.”

“I love him, Bones- I love him so much; all he did was suggest we get married- and bonded- and I freaked out, okay? And I tried to apologise but Spock-” Jim broke down, tears streaming down his face, “He didn't want me anymore.”

  
  


Spock set the PADD on the table in Jim's ready room, he nodded, “Captain.” and left, turning on his heel and taking his seat on the bridge. Uhura glanced at him from the linguistics station. Chekov and Sulu sat at the helm, hands dangerously close to touching. Yeoman Rand rocked onto The balls of her feet, pursing his lips and brushing her skirt down. The tension in the bridge had only increased, first, Jim had snapped at Chekov and ended up yelling at everyone on the vicinity. Worse was Spock meltdown- which consisted of him throwing a PADD across the room and insisting that the captains illogical actions would result in the downfall of the ship.

The bridge froze at the unmistakable sound of a PADD hitting the wall of the ready room and a stream of profanities in the Captain's Voice. “Motherfucker!” he yelled, tables we're turned and chairs clattered to the ground, “Fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck!” a scream, “That shiteating motherfucking Vulcan.”

Spock was rigid in his seat as Jim stormed onto the bridge, “At ease.” he snapped when all eyes were on him and he walked to the turbolift. He walked into the medical bay and into the counselor's office, her eyes opened wider when she saw him, she was a Trill, she had dark skin and light spots with an afro of frizzy black hair, “Counselor Velhil.” he slapped the desk and she jumped.

“Captain.” she stuttered before regaining her composure, “Captain, there are no appointments scheduled at this time, please, have a seat.” she gestured to the stuffed, plum colored chair in front of her.

He sat, not saying anything for five minutes before breaking the silence, “So Counselor, are you joined?”

“No, but my sister is, we're very proud of her, Nilani.” Jim nodded, not saying anything, “Captain, I know that you are going through a difficult time.”

“Am I? How do you know? It's my business and Commander Spock's isn't it?”

“Of course Captain- I only meant-”

“I know what you meant.” he stood and he left, the young Trill standing up and not quite knowing what to do.

  
  


Jim watched Chekov and Sulu from across Ten-Forward. They were going to kiss, Jim knew it. He dropped his whiskey tumbler on the bar and walked over to the two, interrupting them just as they inched towards one another. They sprung apart, “Keptin!” Chekov shouted, his face bright red. Sulu stood up, mumbling something about the botany lab, “I'm going to- find Hik- Sulu, Keptin.”

“Go ensign.” Jim smirked and dragged himself to the turbolift and into his quarters. The time on the computer was clear, as was the date, Spock's last day on the Enterprise, he would transport into New Vulcan the next morning. Jim ran himself a bath, the bubbling under his skin getting so intense that it didn't matter that he was wasting his water rations, he took a replicated razor to his skin in a way he hadn't since he was fourteen. Red swirled with the water. He eased himself into it, the searing hot making his skin pink. He cut deeper, his skin hung in shreds off of his arm and he leaned back.

“Doctor McCoy.” Spock buzzed the door to the doctor's quarters again. He kicked the door and buzzed again, “Leonard! Leonard, please!” the door slid open, Leonard stood in his pajama pants.

“Jesus Spock what’s-” he was cut off when Spock grabbed his wrist.

"It's Jim- he is injured. I triggered a medical emergency.” McCoy pulled on a shirt and followed him to the captains quarters. 

  
  


Spock sat at Jim's bedside for three days before he woke. Jim's eyes narrowed and he turned away from the Vulcan, “You’re supposed to be on New Vulcan.”

“We are well past that star system, Jim.” Jim winced at the sound of his name.

“Don't call me that.” Sickbay was only partially illuminated in the middle of beta shift, “Why didn't you go to New Vulcan to live with your Dad, Spock?”

“I couldn't leave when you were in- a delicate position in regards to your health.” Spock was stiff, his knuckles white with the force with which he clenched them.

“Why do you care?”

“I still love you, Jim. Even if we ended our romantic affiliation.”

Jim cried, sobs shaking his shoulders, “So you're still going to leave, now that I'm healthy?” Spock was silent, “I love you too, Spock- I'm sorry I never said it, I was scared. I'm sorry I ran away when you wanted to get married- I'd take it back if I could. I love you so much I can't breathe- the thought of you leaving was so.”

"Jim, I was under the impression you did not wish to bond with me.” Spock moved so he sat on the edge of the biobed. Jim turned to face him.

“I was just scared- I did want to-” he was cut off by Spock's fingers in the meld points.

“Will you now?”

“Oh god yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> The title and Jim's line about sleeping in the Garden are Tolkien references, the latter from "The Silmarillon" : "She [Míriel] went then to the gardens of Lórien and lay down to sleep; but though she seemed to sleep, her spirit indeed departed from her body, and passed in silence to the halls of Mandos. The maidens of Este tended the body of Míriel, and it remained unwithered; but she did not return."
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! I've always found the thought of a powerful creature such as an elf dying of a Broken heart to be so terribly romantic- and Jim, the captain of a starship, to be broken up about Spock, romantic. I know- I shouldn't romanticize death, but look how we romanticize sacrifice! 
> 
> Please point out errors!
> 
> US National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-263-8255


End file.
